I just downloaded Ray Conniff's "My Little Grass Shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii" from his ever-reliable Hawaiian Album. No, not illegally, but through iTunes, thank you very much. No, it wasn't for me, though I could use a catchy ukulele song one of these days (you never know). Turns out my mom's teaching Hawaiian dance--again--to little girls who are going to be performing for this one fellow's fiftieth birthday.

It hit me just now that if I learned either the ukulele or Hawaiian slack-key guitar, I would really be able to impress the ladies if ever there was a luau. Really. I would be so cool, me and my faux island-styled Dallas cowboys shirt complete with the missing button, singing these jolly tunes like "Pearly Shells" or playing with a Ventures cover band to the theme to "Hawaii 5-0". If only there were people who made an effort to have an authentic luau. Nowadays, people's idea of an island style party is tiki torches from Wal-Mart, plastic leis made from recycled Wal-Mart shopping bags, while retaining the DJ spinning that blasted, gaudy hip-hop from the mainland. Probably from Wal-Mart. Trust me, I've been there.

Whatever happened to the real island experience? If I had my way, I'd have an island-themed party where all the Pacific Islands formed a conglomeration to renounce the mainland countries, keeping only the most essential items intact. For instance, spam and pineapples. Raw corned beef. Fire-twirlers with grass skirts. Real grass, not the stuff even golf courses are made off. Surfboards and Surf Ninjas. The Beach Boys. The Bee Gees covering the Beach Boys. North Shore and Baywatch. Seafood dishes with real seafood, not some texturized vegetable product. Homemade, and not store-bought. Tribal drums and tribal masks. Ham and pineapple topped "Hawaiian" pizzas. Anything from Guam. The list could go on.

You know what, it just hit me. I can't plan a party if my life depended on it. Not even if the cast of Baywatch Hawaii themselves asked me to plan their inevitable reunion party. Sigh. I guess I'll just wait for the next luau to happen. I may not be the coolest planner, but I'd still be a hit with my uke. I can't wait. I think I'm going to sew that button on my shirt now. Go Cowboys.

Okay, so I woke up early today to go to church which was at 8:30. I figured to myself I could actually be fed for a change, without having to worry about the music, the order of the service, or even who's sitting next to me. Scratch that last part, I'll tell you why. Anyway, so I made it on time to Calvary Downey, (with my clothes neatly pressed the night before) and sat at my usual spot, which is to the right of the auditorium and at the edge of a pew. Everything's really hunkie-dorie at this point, with the opening prayer, songs and announcement, but I guess it's because everything's hunkie-dorie that you don't expect a really pretty girl to sit in the pew behind you, five feet away. Oh yeah, sitting alone.

And I think it's because everything's hunkie-dorie that you totally forget about the part where the pastor tells everyone to greet the person next to you. And my natural, introverted side wants me to just shake the hand of the people directly behind me, and naturally, my introverted side discovers there's no one sitting there yet. This forces my newly-discovered "might-as-well" side to go over to where she is and, gulp, look at her and shake her hand. Whoa. She IS pretty.

And so when I got back to my original spot and it's time to sing the worship songs, I find myself, naturally, distracted. Oh gosh, I shook her hand. Oh gosh, she's pretty. No, beautiful. She made it to the early service. She must be hardcore. Did I mention she was sitting alone? I hope she comes next week. I hope she's been coming on a regular basis or something. I wish she'd sit near me next time. I hope there's some divine circumstance and we end up being friends and then there's the possibility that we become more than friends and ... all of this right before the leader sings ... "Less of me, more of You."

And I think to myself, I come all the way to church to listen and to get right with God and be fed and I'm reverting to my multiple possibility personality where I want what's in my head instead of Him. Sheesh.

I am a big-time doofus.

P.S. I would still like to see her there. It would be nice to have a few friends there. So I'm going to try my best to be on top of this situation, okay? Thank you very much.